How many times do I have to tell you I understand?
by Felflowne
Summary: This might become my favourite outta my fics because it really describes the character of Relena I use, and it isn't the serie's one!! But I'm not gonna tell you much, only that if Heero doesn't find someone to make his life worth living soon, he's gonna
1. Depression

How many times

Disclaimer - *walks up to you, does a twirl* This is me *pulls a bald guy in a suit from nowhere* This is Bill, who is the head of some corporation which owns Anime. Do we look alike to you? *^_^*

****

**How many times do I have to tell you? I understand!

By Felflowne aka Espion

Censor : Ermm…PG for now, but may very well go up…a lot…heh heh.

Heero sat, a rare occurrence in itself, on top of the horizontal Wing Zero, which was currently obscured by an enormous tarpaulin whose colour was ambiguous. It was as though whoever had made it knew that no one gave a toss what colour it was, and so hadn't bothered at all. They'd be coming soon to take Zero away.

Heero thought it all slightly ironic. He felt sick.

The reason as to why Zero was attired as such was simple. The wars were over. All of them. Heero shut his eyes as the painful piece of logic which had been torturing him since the proclamation of peace had been made replayed itself unbidden inside his head.

****

Wars needed soldiers.

Soldiers still alive after wars were no longer needed.

They took up space.

Space which could be used for other things.

Other people.

The world would be better off without them.

Heero opened his eyes again, and looked around the hangar, not seeing any of it. His intensive training told him what he'd just processed, and nothing more. It had nothing further to say. 

But that wasn't the end of the story.

There was another. Another advisor, another voice inside him, whom he hadn't noticed until recently, telling him that he was more than just a soldier, he was a human being entitled under basic human rights to a life. It told him to hang onto the life he had; it was precious, but only if there was someone to share it with.

That was the point where the second voice, which Heero was beginning to, with great trepidation, listen to in favour of the Soldier, fizzled out. That was the problem; that was what was missing. The world had needed him, but its need had been seasonal. No one had ever needed him in the way the second voice, the voice of Heero the human, was talking about, and no one ever would, no doubt. 

Who could ever want… need… love someone, who would rarely return affections, would rarely smile, or ever tell them how much they appreciated them. Nobody could. What he really needed was someone who was loving and patient enough to help him access his long buried emotions, no matter how long it took, and no one he could think of fitted that description. They'd have to be the world's greatest optimist.

This kind of thinking served very little purpose apart from making Heero depressed, and in his depressed state of mind, he didn't register that the depression was an indication of resurfacing emotion. However, he didn't stop it, because that last thought-comment he'd made had linked itself to an image the perfect soldier's battle-scarred memory. He cherished the image, the face that smiled at him, for a few seconds, 'clutching' onto it briefly before letting it slip away in a wave of resignation.

No, never do anything like that again, said the Soldier. It accomplishes nothing. That person is gone, and they have a new life now, which they are no doubt enjoying. They have no need of you. No one needs you now.

Wherever they are, countered Human Heero, I hope they're happy. 

When did you start thinking like that? You've never wished anyone well before. 

They aren't anyone. They're someone. 

Heero the human 'sat back'. That would shut Soldier up for a while.

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Felflowne – Hiyee all! I'm suffering with TOA because no reviewers are advising me on pairings, so I thought I'd write this sappy piece of 1x? *giggles as Relena haters brandish saucepans* Actually, if you read this carefully, then I think it's obvious who it is.

Well, I had this idea after reading a Hex fic, so arigato Hex, and sorry, but I'm not copying your story, so I don't think it's too bad. 

Well, do you want a second chapter? I've gotta write in first *chackles* This is my first serious romance fic, but flame all you like. I'll light a torch with them and gives it to my friend to toast her toast/marshmallows on!

Review, please? It would make a change *sighs*

What will Heero do? Heh heh *waves Heero angst and torture flags that she's been saving from 'From Far Away' by the brilliant Akuma. READ IT NOW*

Ja ne!

Fel xx


	2. Action

Part 2

Disclaimer - *walks up to you, does a twirl* This is me *pulls a bald guy in a suit from nowhere* This is Bill, who is the head of some corporation which owns Anime. Do we look alike to you? *^_^*

****

**How many times do I have to tell you? I understand!

By Felflowne aka Espion

__

This fic is a present for all my Gundam buddies, especially Hex and Charlie, for reasons that will become apparent later on. Ooh, if I write a lemon, won't they be proud?! But not yet, nop, not yet. Sorry. Enjoy!!

The reason I am writing about gymnastics so reverently is because it is something, which I have never, and will never master, or even try. So there. 

To all reviewers, I am SO sorry, but I will write what you want soon, as soon as I can think of a good plot. 

*sighs*

She had to concentrate. Concentration was the key, and also the motivation, because if she didn't concentrate, her head would meet a wooden plank very hard. The gymnast took a breath and drew her arms up over her head, her entire body tingling with focused energy. 

Suddenly her arms fell down and swung back again, and the petite figure used the momentum to throw her entire body backward in a neat arc. Her hands met the beam briefly, but then left it just as quickly as the girl landed back on her feet, and drew her arms up again. There. She'd done it. 

The girl let her arms fall again, and turned to hop down off of the beam, grinning at her two friends on the bench. The rest of the hall was empty, as the practice had ended fifteen minutes ago, but the one remaining student had wanted to stay on until she got that flip right. Her friends stood up and began to walk over.

'How you do that without smashing your head in I'll never know!' laughed the much shorter of the two. 

The girl giggled, and pulled her shoulder length dark blonde hair out of its bun in one swift movement.

'Its just that first thought that gets in the way. I'm like, okay, if I want to do this, I've got to throw myself backward onto virtually nothing… And the sane part of me is telling me, DON'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!'

The other person smiled.

'And exactly how large a part of you is the sane part, Relena?' 

Relena smiled again, then drew her arm up in front of the speaker's face and put her forefinger and thumb very close together.

'Theeeeeees much,' she squeaked, and then laughed at his expression and dipped down to pulled her cardigan over her leotard and to pull her gym bag onto her shoulder.

'Well, she did it, so that must indicate something,' said Hilde, linking her arms though those of Relena and her best friend.

When the three young people reached the car park of the centre, the tallest of the three asked, 'Why did you take up gymnastics, 'Lena?'

She answered immediately, 'to take out my aggression.'

'You have aggression?' Relena rolled her eyes at the speaker.

'Yep, I do.'

'Why?'

'I don't really know, but I know that participating in displacement activity helps.'

Hilde sensed something static about the conversation. Relena seemed totally normal, but it was her best friend who seemed off.

On the drive back to Relena's house, he didn't yell abuse at a single fellow road user, and he was unnaturally quiet. Hilde caught Relena's eye as she sat in the back seat. She'd noticed it as well. What on earth was wrong? Hilde just couldn't figure it out.

'What's wrong Duo? Buddy? You look down?' He looked startled at the question and forced a smile that was almost painful.

'Hm? No, I'm cool babe, nothing wrong here.'

Hilde frowned for an instant, then decided not to take action just yet.

The three of them were in residence at Relena's home, near the centre of the largest town in Oceasia. Although Duo and Hilde had both been born on colonies, there was an overwhelmingly safe feel to life on Earth. 

Relena had offered all the pilots a place to stay, expect, of course, Quatre, who had a very large house himself, and Trowa had decided to accompany him. Wufei hadn't even graced her with an answer, although, had he bothered, she was sure that the word 'onna' would have appeared at least once. Out of all the pilots, Duo had nowhere to go. Hilde's home had been destroyed, but Duo had never had a home. They were the only two whose pride/sense of justice/whatever hadn't prevented them from accepting.

God knew where Heero was, but maybe that was best.

Although it was Relena's car, Duo drove them around. It made him feel better, and it made him feel that he was useful, as well as being a friend. He drove the car into the large drive, vaguely hearing gravel crunch under the modest-sized tyres. It was only a Ford Focus, but Relena liked it best out of all her cars. Her only extravagance on the car was the paint job. The bodywork glimmered in the evening sun, a colour that stood on the brink of sky blue and silver, like ice.

Hilde and Relena thanked Duo, who grinned in a distant kind of way before setting off towards the front door.

'Man, what's up with him? I just can't figure it out!' burst out Hilde after Duo was out of earshot.

'I have an idea…' said Relena, then sighed as Hilde looked at her and hitched her bag up higher onto her shoulder.

'Let's talk inside, shall we?'

Hilde nodded and followed her friend into the house.

*

Duo walked into his room and threw himself down onto his bed, not even noticing how his braid caught for a second on the headboard before sliding down slowly and landing with a flop over his face.

'Man, what is wrong with me? I'm zoned out permanently, and what if I'd had an episode while I was driving? Oh God!' He sat up and looked at his braid as if it could answer all of his questions. It couldn't, of course, as it was three strands of hair twisted together. Besides, it couldn't talk.

He'd've thought that he was the least likely of the Gundam pilots to suffer depression, but here it was. Depression. Nice, eh? If only he could figure out WHY he was depressed, it would help a lot… Why… Why…?

*

'You're kidding!' 

Relena scowled. She found Hilde's disbelief off-putting. She found it irritating, and she had had an aggression problem for a while now. She shut her eyes briefly, and when she opened them again, Hilde squeaked.

'Listen to me, and believe what I say. I need to get through to one of them, preferably both of them, as soon as I can.'

Her eyes stabbed at Hilde like sharp pieces of ice that stung.

'But… Relena… How do you know?'

'Know what?'

'Know…I didn't have a clue!' Hilde blinked suddenly, on the verge of tears, 'some best friend I am.' 

Relena didn't console her at once, but sat, silent and thoughtful, her eyes focused coldly far away. Hilde looked up again, with the intention of asking Relena another question, but instead, something else came out of her mouth.

'You look like Heero when you do that.'

Relena blinked and switched her gaze to Hilde. That was it! THAT WAS IT!! 

'That's it!' she cried suddenly, making Hilde jump.

'What?'

'The reason why Duo agreed to come to live here, instead of going with Quatre or Wufei.'

'Wha…?'

'Hilde, do me a favour, okay?' Relena stood up.

'Anything,' said Hilde, and Relena gave her a hug, then pulled away so Hilde could see her eyes again.

'Look after my house for me, okay?'

'What?'

'I'm going away.'

'Where?'

'I can't tell you, but please trust me on this one, I have a good feeling about it.'

'Relena, you're a psycho loony…but also one of the smartest people I know,' sighed Hilde, 'Okay, I'll watch the house for you. I assume you're gonna try and take Duo?'

Relena nodded.

Hilde frowned.

'He can be damned stubborn, 'Lena, and you already heard him deny that anything was wrong.'

Inexplicably, Relena smiled.

'I'm sure I'll get though to him,' she said evenly, carefully not placing emphasis on any of the words so as to give her friend any clues.

She gave another smile, which was slightly strained, and stood up and left.

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Yay! I got Chapter 2 done. Apologies to all they are due to, especially 1xR fans, but I have a treat for you soon *reaches into authoress bag* eheh heh. Coming up in Chapter 3 – Why Relena is acting how she is, Why Heero is in so much danger, and general fluff!

*'^_^*

Please Review, cos I like flames, they make me laugh, and are a cheap non-polluting source of thermal energy!

If you ain't gonna flame, then I like regular reviews even better! Feel free to openly comment on my grammar, characterizations, or anything. I appreciate constructive criticism.

If you wanna speak to me on MSN or Yahoo, my email address is [espionthehamster@hotmail.com][1], and my Yahoo ID is rhioohki_the_cabbit1x2.

See y'all soon! =*^_^*= Felflowne

   [1]: mailto:espionthehamster@hotmail.com



	3. Remembrance

Part 3

Disclaimer - *walks up to you, does a twirl* This is me *pulls a bald guy in a suit from nowhere* This is Bill, who is the head of some corporation which owns Anime. Do we look alike to you? *^_^*

****

**How many times do I have to tell you? I understand!

By Felflowne aka Espion

'It was difficult, but we have acquired the perfect soldier, and we are in the process of eliminating him.'

The speaker leant back in his expensive leather chair, which gave a fat squeak.

'How long?' 

The first man gave a greasy smile.

'There is still the small matter of my payment, Lord.'

'In time. Patience my underling.' The first man wriggled slightly at the remark, before continuing.

'We have him in a secure hangar, with his Gundam.'

The master's eyes widened.

'The war has left him hollow. He is no danger to anyone…' continued the weaker man hastily.

'He is a danger to me,' said the smaller man, 'and that is why he is going to die.'

*

Heero lay on the ground, and concentrated on the coldness of the hangar floor seeping into his bones. He wondered vaguely why they hadn't come to take Zero away yet. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more. He was purposeless and lost, with no one to guide him. His thoughts lingered for a moment on the two people who could have helped him. 

One, seen by many as obsessive, but merely worried to death about him.

The other, who had seen Heero through the wars, kept him afloat, keep him human enough to do his job.

He decided to remember them, as he'd known them.

Firstly, the image of the first came into his head.

A girl, stretching for a cup on the top of her bureau, as she was kneeling on the carpet trying to catch her pet hamster. Her fingers grasped for it and missed several times. She was just too small. He remembered how he'd picked up the cup and knelt down beside her, and helped her, using the cup, to wrestle the tiny ball of fur and teeth into its cage. When they were done, they were both bleeding, and the girl's hair was in disarray.

In some ways, he'd realised, she was still a girl. Having a pet… Being small… But in others, she was much more. The wars had aged all those involved, and she was no exception. Unlike some, 'though, she'd managed to retain some part of her innocence.

She laughed and giggled, then looked at him.

'You'll have to add Master Small-Animal-Catcher into your credentials,' she'd said, smoothing her hair. He hadn't responded, not knowing what to say, but she had smiled anyway, and sat down at her desk, and pulled some papers toward her.

She'd put her glasses on, and was instantly transformed into the Counsellor she was. She'd chewed on her pen in a childlike way before looking up at him again.

'I can't say I agree Heero. Disappearing will not make your problems dissipate.'

'I haven't got any problems.' That blunt answer would have put off the vast majority of inquirers, but this girl knew him too well. She sighed and took off her glasses.

'You can't fool me Heero, I know you. You may not like to admit it, but I do. Your problems will find you.'

She looked at the papers.

'If it will make you feel better, Heero, I'll sign them.' She did so.

He took them and turned to go.

'Will I see you again?' The question hurt, but as he turned, he saw she wasn't looking at him.

'I'll take that as a 'no', but be safe Heero, Ok?' 

Heero now felt truly unworthy of this girl's friendship, and felt he had to do something to thank her for all her effort. He crossed the gap between them and enveloped her in a hug. He heard her squeak of surprise, and then she'd hugged him back. When he pulled back, she was still smiling.

'There's hope for you yet, Yuy. Now go on, get outta here before I call security.'

He'd smiled a small smile at her offhand manner and idle threat, and then he had crossed the room and disappeared out of the window. He hadn't seen her since.

Those papers had been fake reports that he had been killed.

Heero was brought back to cold reality from the warm happy memory by his nerve endings re-informing him that he was lying in an uncomfortable position. He ignored them, but used the interruption to begin his remembrance of the second person.

Although the first memory had been a happy one, this one was different. It bought a rarely practised smile to the ebbing boy's lips.

He remembered everything about the second person as if they were still with him, instead of being halfway across the Earthsphere, enjoying life after the war.

He remembered their beautiful eyes. The only eyes that ever seen his soul. He remembered how if the person merely brushed against him, he would go weak inside and snap at them, not wanting the feeling of weakness, but craving it nonetheless, because it meant that they were near.

It didn't matter that the conversation was one sided. It gave him a chance to listen to his colleague's voice. He never realised how much that his workmate had meant to him; he was only starting to realise now.

Far too late.

He ignored Soldier's interruption. Surely it meant something that he realised his feelings at all, rather than living his entire life as an automaton.

All the times their hands had brushed and he'd wanted to grab their hand and never let go. All the times, all of them. His eyes opened, in two senses of the phrase.

He realised. He _saw_. He _knew_. Even though it was too late, he decided to say it anyway.

Reaching out a hand to no one, he whispered, 'I love you.' 

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Awwww…Heero no kawaii baka! Will it work out? Dunno, haven't written it yet. Reviews always welcome *^_^*

Felflowne xx


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